Does your life look better from the outside than it feels from the inside?
The notification with the bank logo pinged on his phone. The figure was much larger than he had roughly calculated. The bonus and promotion, financially, were more than he could have ever managed. He arrived on the drive, appreciating the beautiful home, his partner waiting inside, and his kids quietly playing in the garden. By all accounts, he had made it.
Then why did he feel so terrible.
As a clinical psychologist, I hear a version of this most months. The details change, but the shape stays the same: every marker hit, and still that underwhelmed, terrible feeling sitting there underneath it.
If this sounds like you, you're not defective, weak, or failing.
Why "what's wrong with me" is the wrong question
It's normal for highly logical, capable men to look for a rational solution to their problem. A diagnosis, a 'brain problem', some reason that explains why they've, in their own eyes, failed. But burnout isn't proof something in you is broken. Nothing has malfunctioned. It is what happens when you've been doing too much for too long, and you've been running on fumes for much longer than you realised (or care to admit).
Why success doesn't cancel it out
You get the promotion. You close the deal. The numbers keep climbing. Each one gives you a real spike of energy and motivation to keep going. It can be this very process that starts to work against you. Sneakily, an idea can creep in that success (in itself) prevents burnout. Every other factor, ignored.
Why nobody notices
How are you? Fine... then the day continues. Friends and family hear this, see the success, and even celebrate it with you. From the outside, the holidays, the house, and the car all indicate everything is going well. Everything seems fine on the outside, so it's no surprise that sometimes no-one else really notices any change.
It can mean you're the only one who'll notice this change. And even then, it can be tricky to identify early on. With the differences being small and gradual, it can be that you're shorter or snappier with loved ones (again), you have a sense of dread early Sunday that turns into doom by the evening time. And you've completely lost any sense of who you are outside of what you do for a living. The snappiness, dread and loss of self don't seem to lift, even after a fantastic holiday, and there is a low level sense that everything is not fine, but it's not exactly clear why.
Looking fine and feeling fine are two different things
I imagine there is a part of you that wants the solution. Now. Like right now. That's not the point of this post. The point is to name the gap, because most men do this too late, or not at all. They assume that if you are performing at a high level and achieving, then you should automatically feel great. So when this does not happen, they conclude they have failed, rather than noticing the subtle difference that things looking fine, and feeling fine, were never the same thing to begin with.
So the question isn't what's wrong with you. It's more helpful to ask: are you fine, or are you just fine on the outside?
If you recognised yourself in this, and you're not sure which one it is, I've put together a short guide: The 10 Minute Audit. It won't tell you what to do next. It'll just help you get honest about where you actually are.
If you feel you need more support than a download, get in touch for a free 20 minute consultation call.
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Dr Brett Hayes is an HCPC-registered Clinical Psychologist and EMDR therapist specialising in stress, burnout, anxiety, and trauma in professionals (especially busy professional men).
This article is written to offer general information and reflection, and is not a substitute for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are struggling and feel you need support now, please visit your GP in the first instance. If you are in crisis or need urgent help, the NHS has resources available at nhs.uk/mental-health.